I always wanted a perfect life. When I was at school, my notebooks and books were always perfectly arranged. I couldn’t start doing my homework if everything around me wasn’t in perfect order. My results had to be perfect. I participated in literature competitions and it was imperative to get one of the first prizes, if not the first one – as close to perfection as possible. In high school, I had to get first prize and be the best student in my class at the end of each year. Likewise, I had to get perfect results at the Olympics and competitions I participate in.
I later got married. I wanted to have a perfect wedding that my community would talk about for a long time, I wanted the perfect dress, the perfect menu, the perfect guests, the perfect music.
I got to university and I wanted perfect results. I pictured myself at the top of the year from the beginning and I struggled a lot to get there but I did it. I ended up studying a master’s degree at a top university and, again, I fought day and night for perfect rezults (which, at that time, was to finish my studies with distinction – and I did!).
My house always had to be perfectly arranged. Everything had to be always clean. I had to make sure there was always food cooked at home. The clothes had to be always perfectly clean and arranged in their drawers, the house always perfectly clean, the bed always perfectly arranged.
Always everything had to be perfect.
Who is a perfectionist understands easier what I am talking about. Who isn’t, can make an exercise of imagination to understand the great effort that must be made to constantly obtain such results. It is a continuous struggle with a present that you are eternally dissatisfied with in order to obtain a future that you see eternally in a better light.
What I have achieved, however, after heavy struggles, anxiety, depression, panic attacks and even physical pain, is that the future always projected by me becomes all present when I reach it. I realized that I was doing nothing but giving up on any little joy of the present for another potential type of joy in an uncertain future. I say uncertain because I also understand that the future does not belong to me, I have no certainty whether I will achieve it or not, and I have no certainty that the desired result will materialize in the desired way, so that it really brings me the joy I am after. I also realized that my daily hustle is focused on obtaining a perfect future version of me that I will never reach.
And what can I do after such a conclusion?
What I can and I am trying to do now is to enjoy what I have at this very moment. I allow myself to laugh when the house is not perfectly arranged, when the dishes of last night’s dinner are still in the sink, when the bank account is not as full as I would like. I allow myself to smile just because the sun is out. I allow myself to listen to music just because I feel good and I no longer see it as a waste of time. I allow myself to be clumsy and break a glass from time to time without making myself a million reproaches. I allow myself to rest from time to time without seeing this resting time as an unproductive time. I allow myself to smile for no reason at an old man in the supermarket, to stumble on the street just because I’m thinking nonsense, to sometimes feel like I’ve got my head in the clouds.
I want God to smile when He sees me and I want Him to be happy that He has created a happy person. I want God to smile that He has an imperfect daughter but one enjoys everything she has. I prefer God to be happy when He looks at me and sees my imperfections rather than Him to be sad noting that I am unhappy no matter what He gives me.
I prefer a smiling God! And I prefer to be imperfectly happy!